A Heated Conversation with the iPhone

Last night, I was visited in a dream by the new Apple iPhone, which strangely enough I was able to converse with. The phone hovered above my head vaporously, its disembodied voice coming out of the speaker in silky, hushed tones. This is what I can remember from the conversation:

Me: Wow. I didn’t go to MacWorld in person, but I felt like I was there in spirit following all the coverage online. You’re as beautiful and wondrous in person as you are on all those many blogs and news pages. The icons, the photos, the video, the music, the…touch…screen. My what a big touch screen you have!

iPhone: I bet you say that to all the smartphones.

Me: No, really. Yesterday, I was happily using my Sprint PPC-6700 smartphone, content as a clam that it was a good workmate for me — solid camera, great keyboard, big screen. Today, I looked at my phone and I saw a brick, a rock, a heavy outdated piece of metal with no soul. I was embarrassed to be seen in public with it.

iPhone: [Blushing] You flatter me.

Me: It’s easy to do. I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life for a gadget phone that is thin — oh, so thin! — well designed, functional and can satisfy all my desires as a music player, phone and web surfing machine.

iPhone: Check, check and checkmate.

Me: And yet… I hear you won’t be a real item, something I can buy, until next June. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do I have to lug around this heavy, overpriced outdated hunk o’ last year’s technology for six more long months!? You are such a tease…

iPhone: The better to depress the sales of my competitors, naturally.

Me: And already, I see you getting all kiss-kissy with Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal. How predictable. I mean, how do you explain this kind of purple prose from Walt:

I attended the iPhone launch event, and was able to use one for a little while. That’s too brief an encounter to allow me to write a proper review. But I can say that it has the largest and most beautiful screen I’ve ever seen on a cellphone, even though it’s incredibly thin. It felt great in my hand. It has a brilliant new user interface; the handsomest email program and Web browser I’ve ever seen on a phone; a full-blown iPod music and video player built in; and even a cool new voicemail system.

“Brief encounter”? “Beautiful screen”? “Incredibly thin”? “Handsomest email program and Web browser I’ve ever seen”? And worst of all: “It felt great in my hand.” How do you explain that?

iPhone: I like a guy with a Fu Manchu.

Me: C’mon, he’s the dean of technology reviewers. Like you could possibly turn him down? But you even gave 15 minutes of fame to the Gizmodo guy!

But what about all the naysayers out there? You’re a pretty expensive date at $499. You’ve got people drawing up Top 5 Technical Drawbacks of the iPhone, and Cisco is suing over your name.

iPhone: That’s what happens when you’re cool and famous. Of course people will complain that I’m too expensive, I don’t do everything they want, I don’t live up to their expectations. As for Cisco, can you say ‘negotiating tactic’? They just want a piece of the $499 for themselves, jealous ones. You can bet that even more people will know the name iPhone — Apple’s and Cisco’s — because of the lawsuit.

Me: Before you disappear and I wake up in a cold sweat, just one more question. Why do they call you the “Jesus Phone”?

iPhone: If you were placed inside a glass cube like the Hope Diamond, and people lined up for 15 minutes with you like you were the answer to all their prayers, you’d be called Jesus too.